BILY is a free, weekly parent support group and has helped a great number of families since its inception in San Clemente in 2015. BILY offers a confidential, safe haven for parents who are experiencing conflicts with their child/children (of all different ages). Examples are parents struggling with an adult child who is not moving forward in life, a younger child who is headed in the wrong direction, attitudes of entitlement, disrespect, mental health issues and/or drug and alcohol misuse. Learning to implement the BILY principles can help parents navigate their way through a variety of parenting challenges.
The BILY Meetings provide a welcoming setting in which parents can receive empathy, support, education and guidance, regardless of type or severity of their issues. The BILY group is not intended to replace professional mental health help. If there is urgency, especially related to danger to self or others, BILY always responds to safety first, directing group members to emergency resources.
Parents often do not know if they are in a tough transition period that their children will outgrow. It may well be part of an underlying mental health or substance abuse condition that needs appropriate treatment. The delicate balance between trying to help someone who rejects it, providing enduring support, and holding one’s own boundaries for safety and self-preservation is the core focus for most parents.
The group’s unique approach is to help parents make emotional and behavioral shifts within themselves as a step toward helping their children. A primary goal is to increase “peace” in their home. Many are surprised that “fixing” their child is not the main purpose, and begin to see that changing themselves is “doable” and more effective. The children are often surprised to learn their parents are getting help for themselves, which may create a shift in the emotional tone between them.
The group is peer-led (parent to parent) by volunteer leaders who have been in similarly stressed families and have found great help from BILY. The cornerstone of the group is a set of ten guiding principles, highlighting themes of communication, empathy, respect, love, boundaries, choices and consequences (not punishment).
In developing a new strategy (simply because the previous ones didn’t work), a BILY recommendation is to start by making a small change as a step toward altering older, non-effective patterns.
BILY emphasizes, especially when emotions are heated, to pause and take a deep breath, keep the communication clear and simple, and avoid engaging in argumentative dialogue. Parents become aware that processing their own feelings first, and not necessarily with their child, is more strategic and beneficial.
The volunteer leader team strives to help parents feel safe, comfortable, and successful in making changes. The BILY volunteers are profoundly touched to see changes being made even after a few weeks and sense the shift toward “peace” that parents are creating in themselves and in their homes.
Individuals are invited to contact BILY for a confidential discussion about their specific concerns and learn more about whether this group would be a good fit for them. bilysanclemente@gmail.com. They can also check the local BILY website for more information: www.bilysc.org.
Our monthly meeting schedule is:
BILY Virtual: Every Monday (except holidays) 6:30-8:30 PM - for Virtual Meetings e-mail: bilysanclemente@gmail.com
BILY In-Person: 1st, 2nd and 3rd Tuesday of each month 6:00-8:00 PM at allcove San Juan Capistrano
BILY in Spanish:2nd and 4th Wednesday of each month – 6:00- 8:00 PM for Spanish Meeting, please e-mail: lupita@wpc-oc.org