Sometimes parenting pre-teens and teens can be an “I love you/I love you not” experience. As frustrating as this can be, I encourage parents to (as one wise mom described) try to be that one rock that sticks up in the ocean – always be there in the exact same place, but know that you will be struck by some pretty fierce waves and experience some intense storms. Following are just a few guidelines to keep steady through the best and worst times:
- DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY – 12-25 year olds are immature in their ability to understand and express their emotions. Don’t lash out back, don’t debate, and don’t engage. Just listen and be a safe place. Try to remember what it was like to be their age. Would you want advice from your parents’? Your kid is not looking for your opinion or to be taught a lesson or for you to solve their problem. They just need to be heard.
- ALWAYS ACKNOWLEDGE EACH OTHER – Say hello and goodbye. Say goodnight with a hug. Maybe skip the hug when friends are around or hug the friends as well. My daughter and her friends got pretty used to hugs. Smile at your kid when they get in the car. Expect your greeting to be returned. If this is a new pattern try humor.
- BE AVAILABLE – This can be hard, we are all super busy. Attempt a regular “date” time with your kid. This can be as simple as one on one time while you watch American Idol. Be prepared to drop everything occasionally if your teen really needs you. If you are not available for your teen they will go somewhere else to have their emotional needs met.
- KEEP TRACK OF YOUR POSITIVE INTERACTIONS – For relationships to stay strong we need five positive interactions to erase one negative interaction. Sometimes we go through phases where finding those positives can be difficult. It can be as simple as rub on the back for no reason or a “thanks for taking out the trash before I asked”. Think about a boss you have had who only told you when you did something wrong – did you feel encouraged to do your best?
- SPEND TIME TOGETHER EVERYDAY – Make sure you have time to connect with your teen everyday. Maybe while you wash the dishes, a cup of tea after dinner, or over breakfast in the morning. These routine times are when your child will bring up something that is bothering them. I cannot stress enough the importance of family dinners. Families who sit down to dinner together most nights of the week have emotionally healthier kids.