This New Year’s Eve, as my family always does, we went around the dinner table and shared our New Year’s resolutions. A few days before, I felt overwhelmed by the idea of a resolution. I thought of all the things I hope to achieve—personally, professionally, and socially. The list was long. New Year’s resolutions, the herald of self-improvement, often start with a bang but tend to fizzle out by the second Friday in January, affectionately known as “quitters day”. A day that, ironically, doesn’t quite align with our society’s applause for perseverance. When we fail to meet our resolution we may feel disappointed, ashamed, or guilty for giving up.
In my search for obtainable resolutions, I came across an article that said, “This year minimize stress and striving and maximize joy and meaning – resolve to accept yourself as you are.” The allure of stress reduction was undeniable, but what truly struck a chord was the realization that I had never set a resolution centered on self-acceptance.
Self-acceptance is something we teach teens in clinical and prevention work. We advocate for embracing imperfections, doing our best, and shunning the unrealistic pursuit of perfection. Yet, as adults and parents, we often forget to apply these principles to ourselves. We become our own harshest critics, dissecting our days, finances, health, relationships, weight—you name it. Little do we realize that our children are absorbing this self-critique, even when we think they aren’t listening.
While having doubts about one self from time to time is normal, chronic self-criticism can contribute to feelings of depression, worthlessness, anxiety, and body image issues. Our kids, like sponges, soak up our behaviors and replicate our negative self-talk, potentially fostering their own struggles with body image, depression, and anxiety.
A 2016 study conducted by Marisol Perez, Ph.D. at the Arizona State University Department of Psychology, found that a mother’s body dissatisfaction significantly predicted her daughter’s body satisfaction suggesting that girls model their mother’s self-body talk. In the study, the young girls would even change their responses after being exposed to their mother’s response, even when they didn’t understand the societal ideas their mothers are reflecting.
The same can be said for when adults speak disparagingly about their skills, talents, or intelligence—kids hear this and begin to do the same. Young children are the most vulnerable to our negative self-talk because the world is so new to them they interpret our behaviors as normal. As they grow older, they may internalize the negative self-talk they have heard and form their own negative beliefs about themselves which can lower their self-esteem and lead to other mental health challenges.
As adults, we should try to model the behavior we want our kids to emulate. Dial down the negative self-talk, discuss challenges with a dash of optimism, and showcase problem-solving and critical thinking. Parenting, after all, is a blend of love and life lessons.
This year I invite you to resolve to embrace yourself with all your quirks. Focus on small achievable steps toward your goals, revel in the positive impact you’re making, and for once, give yourself a nod for what’s working rather than constantly dwelling on what needs fixing. Self-love—now that’s a resolution that stands the test of time!